I’m a psychotherapist working in an acute mental health hospital and private practice. In the hospital we’re introducing DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy) which includes Mindfulness as a core skill. I started the program with some reservations as I’ve struggled in the past with meditation, categorising it as too difficult. Being a practitioner who has trained experientially I’ve invested a lot of time and energy in my own personal work. Whilst I recognised that a meditation practice could benefit me it wasn’t as if I hadn’t grown in many ways over the years of personal development in terms of my relationship to myself. Despite all that there was also some resistance, mainly to “yet another discipline!!” but also some scepticism and dislike of what I viewed as an ungrounded hippy-ish aspect of some meditation practices I’d encountered. Having done the personal work I’ve done I know I am not what anyone who knows me would describe as a zen person; lively, passionate, warm, an enthusiastic kinaesthetic learner and I’ve learned to enjoy, work with and value my personal qualities. Knowing I’d have to start teaching mindfulness skills as part of the DBT programme training I was undertaking to enable delivering this at the hospital I work at, I realised to continue to be a practitioner who walks the talk I’d need to do my own mindfulness training, as a participant. I’ve also had stressful personal changes going on where something to support myself would be valuable, and has in fact turned out really valuable.

       What I’ve learned has been that I can self soothe more effectively than I thought, to be able see more often my own resistance to being kind to myself and just be kind to myself. Having an existential background to my therapy practice, and strong kinaesthetic and experiential leaning in my life and practice I’d always been aware of the relationship between body and mind for me, just not always been that great a relationship! What has come through with the yoga practices, body scan, lake and mountain meditation is the groundedness, more complete connection to myself, and motivation that the kindness extends to that psyche-somatic intra-personal relationship. The breathing based and unguided meditations are far more challenging, I’m ok with realising that I’ll drift off and think about stuff but I also find there is a degree of discomfort there that I am now more curious than judgemental about and aware that it’s something to leave as that for the moment. That giving myself time to explore that discomfort, by that I mean allowing myself to proceed at my own pace, not neglecting the exploration but also not forcing myself in any way, practicing the kind curiosity I hope to encourage my clients to discover in relation to themselves.

       The day to day has been changed as well, I’ve particularly enjoyed using yoga to follow up the running I’ve recently restarted as a way of actively demonstrating a loving relationship to my body. The running as well has changed, I’m 50 years old so as I run there are inevitably twinges, hints of strains etc. Having practiced being able to focus on the physical sensations of that and separate out my commentary about “It hurts”, “I’m tired” etc. and being able to direct my attention to the physical sensation has meant that because I get distracted from focus, I quickly forget about whatever ligament, tendon or muscle I’ve been purely sensing the physical sensations of its twinge and realise “Oh here I am thinking about getting the car serviced, my knee doesn’t hurt now” and I’m another few hundred yards further along the run. It’s helped with chores too, reminding me there is satisfaction to be found in things in the moment.

       I’ve valued and benefitted from feeling more satisfied with doing one thing at a time and being able to concentrate more on that one thing, and being less anxiously attached to a particular outcome, as well as more trusting that an ok outcome will happen if I do my best, and if it doesn’t then at least I can trust I have done my best.

       The course has already had an impact on my practice, both at the hospital and in my private work. It’s also had a significant impact personally, leaving me keen to maintain and evolve a personal practice that supports my life and continues to give me the benefits I’ve been enjoying since starting the course.